Philippne cuisines


The Philippines has one of the simplest cuisines in the world, and much of what passes for food in this country would gag a drunken sailor.

Filipinos don’t mind eating something that is looking at them. 

When preparing meat, just deep fry  in a vat of lard, and there you go! Philippine cuisine involves killing pigs (as violently as possible) and roasting them pagan-banquet style. Pretty much anything organic served with genetically-modified white rice and a spoon is considered a meal. Filipino cuisine must always be cheap and contain as much cholesterol and fat as possible. Well, at least you’ll die happy from the stroke.

  The most accepted and most uniform way to prepare meat is by cooking the poor animal in its own bodily juices. Almost anything can be made "adobo" including dogmeat but thats one way of getting rid of the stray dog (and cat) problem.

An apalling dish is dinfguang consisting of pig’s blood and shredded pig ears that no Filipino really likes. However, because the Filipino has a deep-seated aversion to throwing out any food no matter how inedible, most feel compelled to try it. The Muslims in the south find this disgusting but they’re Muslim and nobody cares what they think.

 Usually made of thin noodles pancit is made as greasy as possible and then add an assortment of random meats like pork, beef, chicken, shrimp, dog neat etc.  Good pancit should have no flavor.

Distilled liquor, lambanog is made of coconut sap that is usually 70% alcohol and 30% plutonium. The more the alcohol content and the faster it shuts down the brain the better. A lambanog hangover is a fate worse than death.

 A huge, glowing purple yam, ube, It’ is "enriched" to produce a supersweet jam substance. It’s also the best-selling ice cream flavor among Filipinos, and, it’s purple.

Dogs have been known to disappear in the Philippines and reappear cooked and skeletonized.

A premature/aborted duck chick/fetus, it’s called balut still in its shell. It is used by most Filipinos as an initiation tool for foreigners who don’t know what it is. I will not go to an open market here. Apparentaly there are no health rules here or if there are any they are not enforced. People spit on things as well as cough and sneeze everywhere. The smells are enough to make you sick where you stand. The floors are always wet if there concrete and muddy if there dirt floors. Dirt floors are all to common.The worst diseases known to mankind can be found rather easily at a public market. Standing water is common attracting mosquitos, which will bring on all sorts of deadly diseases. Dyssentary can be picked up from the foods and so can T.B. and there is no tellng what is in the air you breath.

 

 

 

According to most Filipinos, San Mig light is the greatest beer in the world. It’s the only light beer in the counrty. It’s basically beer diluted with sewer water to make it taste like a light beer. If you get drunk off it, you will feel a sudden burst of energy that makes you want to take off your clothes and run around naked.

Small rice cakes are called puto.

 Deep-fried pig foreskin with salt is called chicharone. Best served with spicy vinegar.

 Dirty ice cream or surbetes, is homemade ice cream sold on the street. As the name implies it is ‘dirty’ and god-knows-what else is in it. One look at the scary hobo that usually sells this stuff and you bet you would get, like, fifty infections tops.

 

Balut  

Filipino-style spaghetti (Ispageti) is one of the popular dishes in the country. You can catch this delectable dish at kids’ birthday parties, town fiestas and at funeral wakes. Its sauce consist mostly of sugar, sliced  hotdogs, a gallon of banana catsup (that’s Filipino ketchup), ground pork, or beef, or chicken, cheese, and no tomato sauce. The noodles should be super soggy.   

  • Filipino college students are known to be excessive cheapskates, even when it comes to food. They don’t mind living on preservatives, carcinogens, and toxic waste as long as it’s cheap. Theres a thing called the Samoi Rice Meal usually priced at 30 pesos (or less), this meal consists of genetically modified rice, with four pieces of deep-fried siomai (pork dimsum) on the side. Students usually order extra servings of rice and soy sauce for free. They’d even go for second servings of rice, thirds even! How they manage to fit those tiny dumplings with mounds and mounds of rice remains a mystery to others.
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